Teacher… Protector… Friend…

I plan to be back to my regular posting schedule next week, but since Father’s Day is upon us this weekend I thought I would share one of my more special entries once more!  (There’s a link at the bottom of this post)

Fathers and their kids can have quite a complex relationship, and in my house it is usually even more complicated. My 10 year old HAS a dad, one that she loves dearly and spends a lot of time with. So where does that leave my husband? Well… the answer isn’t always clear, but I will tell you this.

He tries.

He tries to be a friend without being too lax, he tries to be a father without ever trying to replace the one that she has, and he tries to be loving and protective and teach her life’s important lessons, without it being overkill or intrusive. It’s tough. In fact I’d confidently say it’s damn near impossible.

But he tries.

My husband is a son, a brother, an uncle, a husband and a father. He wears many different hats, among them the sole breadwinner for this family. It’s a multifaceted home we have created, one with continually moving parts, and all we can do is try.

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I wish ALL the fathers out there a wonderful Father’s Day on Sunday. The step dads, the birth dads, the brothers who are the men of the house and yes – all the moms who are BOTH roles to their beautiful babies. You are appreciated and loved, and this mom – and these kids! – thank you.

 

CLICK HERE TO READ MY TRIBUTE TO FATHERS

xoMB

GUILT – it’s a full time job.

OH. MY. GOD.

Guilt.  GOD I hate the word, I hate the feeling.  I hate getting it, I hate giving it.  It’s the crappiest, shittiest, most USELESS emotion in the world. I was actually sitting down to write about something entirely different, and then a wee little comment was tossed my way, JUST as I sat down and opened the laptop, and that was it.

SO, LET’S TALK ABOUT GUILT, SHALL WE?

Why?  Why is nothing that anyone does EVER enough.  If I’m cooking, I feel like I should be cleaning.  If I’m cleaning, I feel like I should be out getting groceries.  If I’m out getting groceries I feel bad because I’ve either left my kids at home with someone else OR I’ve dragged them with me and they are miserable.  Don’t even get me started on the guilt I feel if I’m (GOD FORBID) taking a shower, talking on the phone, sending a text or have ACTUALLY left the house to do something for myself like get a haircut or buy a new top to wear at Christmas.

When was it decided that I am a robot?  Who made this decision?!  They are FIRED from life!  How can a man be down and out with a cold for daaaaaaaaaaaaaaays, but after I gave birth (naturally!), each time I was up and taking care of business the next day?  Sometimes, just sometimes, I stop what I am doing… cloth in hand, washing machine door open, faucet running, food on stove, and just cry.  Is that weird?  I just think about what I’m in the middle of doing, and how much is left to be done.  Then I think about how it will all. start. again. tomorrow.  And then I cry.  It’s so freaking overwhelming!  The enormity of life and its endless routine is TOUGH.  I’d love to be one of those people who just flies by the seat of their pants, but I’m not – and I can’t be.  And what the hell does that expression MEAN anyway?  Fly by the seat of their pants?  What the hell?

Anyway – it’s endless.  I admit that I have moments when I wonder if I should eventually return to work, but I know that’s not what I want.  I was never happy working full time and this truly is what I want to do with my life, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy, or simple, or even manageable sometimes.  Did I think that being a stay-at-home mom was going to be easy?  Maybe.  I think I knew that it would be a very hands on, down and dirty, not a second to myself kinda gig… I just don’t think I realized the monotony of it.  How many times can you change a diaper, wipe a counter, say “Get down!”, fold a shirt, empty a garbage, pour a bottle, or put a toy in its place?  I think that even the most mundane of jobs have more variety on most days than that of a SAHM.  I remember working as a cashier at a hardware store when I was in school – NOT a glamorous job by any stretch of the imagination, but I interacted with different people every day.  I left the house.  I got up in the morning and got ready – I had somewhere to be!  I was important and heading out into the world to contribute something of myself!  You don’t get that same feeling as a SAHM.  There’s very little motivation involved in this job.  Why get dressed?  Why put on makeup or do my hair?  I’m not going anywhere, not seeing anyone.. what’s the point?

I am okay with this for the most part, but where I draw the line is feeling guilt when the RARE occasion arises that I have a moment to do something for myself.  I literally live for my family.  Every moment of my day – and night! – is dedicated to the feeding, bathing, cleaning, nurturing, teaching, reminding, loving, dressing, changing, guiding, driving, holding and providing for the people in this house.  If I get a minute to shower, or run out to get a trim or buy a new pair of shoes, should I REALLY feel bad about it? Should I really feel like I’m somehow shirking my duties or failing as a wife/mother/house keeper if I’m not working 24/7?  My husband says that there are immense expectations of me now, but that it’s okay because in a few years when my kids are all in school full time, I will essentially be retired at the age of 39.

Uh, okay.

So, my kids will be 12, 6 & 4… yah.. they won’t need me at ALL.

I am tired today.  Every parent knows that at the end of the weekend it is not at all uncommon to be more exhausted that before it began!  Groceries, sick kids, putting up decorations, shopping, soccer, it’s never ending.  The only reason I look forward to the weekend nowadays is because at least there is another set of adult hands in the house, but this weekend my husband put it some long work hours and I was on my own, which makes 7 straight days of full time mommying. I’m spent.   I just wish it was easier to find some balance, how does one achieve such a thing? I literally don’t think there are enough hours in the day for family, kids, friends, work, home, or SELF.  And why is SELF last on the list?  I mean it’s okay to put others first.. I understand that and I encourage it!  But SOMETIMES I need to come first.  God even TYPING that made me feel like crap!!  But sometimes this house feels like it’s made of quick sand.  Maybe it’s sleep deprivation, maybe it’s the Postpartum rearing its ugly head, maybe it’s both.  But there are days when I feel like I’m made of lead and this place is just sucking the life out of me.  I feel a great need to apologize for writing that, but I’m not going to.  HA!  Take that.

Christmas is a great time for guilt too, isn’t it? So many functions, so much family, are they coming here?  Are we going there?  Am I cooking?  Can I bring something? But we went there LAST year, shouldn’t we go here this year? Did I buy too much for the kids?  Not enough?  My personal family situation is tough in that my parents are not together and both have families of their own, it’s double everything.  Then add to that the fact that my daughter has a separate Christmas with her father and HIS family… it’s I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E.  In 35 years, I guarantee you that I have never once managed to appease everyone.  I recently pondered the fact that Christmas is TOTALLY my favourite time of year, and wondered how the HELL that is even possible?  I have more stress in the four weeks surrounding Christmas than during any other time of the year.  I have four parents, and growing up I had seven grandparents.  I am one of five kids (step, half, you name it..).  I have seven nieces and nephews and three kids of my own.  I now have in-laws, and an ex who I raise my daughter with.  It’s tough to NOT feel guilty when I know that there’s always someone, somewhere, who wishes that I was there this time of year, or my family, or my daughter.  When she wakes up here on Christmas day, I think of her dad and how brutal it must feel to not have her that morning.  When we spend Christmas eve at my mom’s, I feel bad knowing that my husband’s siblings are all at his parents’ house.  There is no way to “win”, but I guess that’s really not how I should be looking at things.  It’s about giving the best of yourself, but not ALL of yourself.  As a person, as a woman, and especially as a mother, if you give everything, eventually you just have nothing left.  I know I’ve been there, and I was just talking to a friend today who is in that spot right this very minute. You simply cannot exist for the sole purpose of catering to the needs of others.  You cannot give your best to anybody when you don’t take the time to make sure you’re AT your best.  No matter how well intentioned you are, you will end up burnt out and full of resentment.  At some point, you have to take care of your own needs, and hopefully there is someone in your life who understands that while you’re busy taking care of everyone, once in a while someone needs to take care of YOU.

Tonight, after the kids are asleep, (in TEN MINUTES!!!) I am going out to the pharmacy to pick up milk, butter and cat food.  I’m not sure when this became my version of “me time”, but I will crank the tunes, rock out in my mommy van and love every SECOND of browsing those aisles.  That’s right – I’m going OUT tonight!!!

Whooohooo!
xoB

The Nitty Gritty

So tonight I’m feeling frustrated and actually pretty pissed off. I wish I’d made this blog anonymous sometimes. I thought long and hard about that choice, actually.

I wanted to start a blog FOREVER but the question was, do I do it in secret? Without telling a soul? Or do I share it, letting my friends and family know, post it on FB, etc.
I’m not sure why I chose the route that I did, but this page has had over 5000 views since I started it less than two weeks ago so I guess I’ve done something right.

But by making the choice I did I sacrificed my ability to do what I said I wanted to on here in my very first post, which was be the “truest version of myself“. When everyone I know is reading, there’s only so much I can say. TWICE already I’ve edited a post because I was afraid I’d offend someone.. but that’s the problem. I’m here because I need a place to write and vent and rant and rave without CARING if I offend someone!
I’ve had a REALLY crappy day today. Just typical stuff including kids that wouldn’t nap and a wicked migraine, it sucked. On top of that, there’s other stuff bugging me, BUT I CAN’T WRITE ABOUT IT and it’s making me upset.

I put a lot out there in this blog, but I’m careful to keep it about me. It’s not right to drag other people into it, I’m not going to air all my dirty laundry – but damn, right now I wish I could.
Maybe I need two blogs! A second, secret one, fake names and details where I can be the truest and MEANEST version of myself!
LOL…

I find that dealing with my PPD has made me feel very fragile. Things hurt my feelings, it doesn’t take much to “break” me. When dealing with someone who knows about it, I’m even more vulnerable. They see the cracks in my veneer, they know my weaknesses and shortcomings.

So when I feel like I’m not being supported, or understood, or treated with compassion, I feel a little betrayed.
Does that even make sense?
It’s like I let you in to the darkest part of myself, I have confided and trusted in you – you should handle that with care.

I’m glad it’s the weekend. I used to not care, when you’re a stay at home mom every day is the same, but I’m so exhausted and burnt out by the end of the week that I’m grateful for an extra set of hands for two days.

Maybe I should go back to writing in a good ol’ fashioned journal once in a while, get all the nitty gritty details out so that I’m not feeling so bottled up! In the meantime of course I’ll keep baring my own soul… I just won’t expose anyone else’s.
; )
B

Married people are weird.

Many years ago I remember someone telling me a silly little story about how his wife had left a cupboard door open in the kitchen while she was making something.  He came in, got what he needed, and left – leaving the door as it was.  She turned around, banged her head on it, and then got angry at him because he saw it open and didn’t close it.

I remember thinking, “Married people are weird”.

Then today I came home from running some errands and as I made my way to the mudroom door I noticed that my son Cal’s electric Diego car was sitting out in the backyard.  It has been raining solidly for two days – not good.  I mentioned this to my husband when I got into the house.

“Has Cal’s car been outside in the rain since you had him on it two days ago? Is it going to be okay?”

His response was to chastise me for not bringing it inside.

Married people are weird.

I read about a marriage challenge a while ago and it was a month long quest to better your relationship.  One of the daily challenges was to not criticize your partner for one full day.  First of all, I find it hilarious that this had to be included in the challenge at all.  How sad are we married folks that we have to be CHALLENEGED to go a full 24 hours without berating our other half?  And secondly, who the hell can manage that?!?  LOL.. Have you, as a married person, ever taken note of how many times in the span of a SINGLE DAY you criticize, correct, undermine or dismiss your partner’s thoughts, actions or ideas?  It’s ridiculous!

My go-to line when my eight year old is giving me major attitude is, “Would you EVER speak to your teacher this way?  Or a server at a restaurant?  Or your soccer coach?  No?  Then why on earth would you speak to your mother so rudely?”

Hmm.  Let’s connect the dots here… If my boss (when I had one), or my clients (when I had them), or my neighbour or any other number of people were speaking to me, I would never respond the way that I do half the time when it’s my own husband.  How did that happen?  Yes it’s a sign that we feel safe and comfortable and secure enough with each other to let the less desirable parts of ourselves creep through, but does that make it any more acceptable?  I don’t think so.

I think that we typically treat the people that we love the most, the worst!  That’s messed up.  So once again I will try to catch myself when I open my mouth to say something that has zero positive value.  After all, it’s utterly ridiculous that my husband tried to blame me for leaving the Diego car outside.

We both know nothing is ever my fault.

; )
B

For the love of the (broken family) kids..

Why can’t people get their shit together? I’m just wondering.. I mean, aside from having postpartum depression and generally falling apart on a daily basis, I’m a pretty together person.

One of the areas that I have ZERO patience for is parents who are unable to deal with each other in a respectable manner when it comes to their children.  I don’t think that you need a particularly high IQ to figure out that acting like a rational, mature adult is in your child’s best interest.  My daughter T’s dad and I split up when she was two.  We weren’t married (bless my Catholic mother’s heart, she handled it like a trouper and loves my daughter to bits), but we were engaged after the fact and bought a house together.  Pretty much from the time T was born I knew that inevitably he and I would split, but we sure did try.  He’s a great dad and I don’t know many who love their kids as much as he does, but we just weren’t compatible and in the end we couldn’t hide from that fact.  I think some people were really waiting for us to break up, they saw it coming, but we had a lot to consider and we wanted to do it right, and do it with kindness and with consideration and respect for our little girl, who didn’t ask to brought into the middle of any it.

That’s what kills me.  I’m the one that chose to have a baby, she didn’t choose me OR her dad for that matter (although I’d like to think she’d opt not to trade us in if given the chance!).  I simply cannot stand watching or hearing about parents who make life a living hell for their kid/s because they can’t stand each other.  I’ve had moments where T’s dad was the last person in the world I felt like dealing with, and I know he’s felt the same way about me, but we decided from day one that ALL that mattered was T.  We have committed to that and stuck to it continuously for six years.  Through moving, new schools, new significant others, my marriage and my two subsequent children… we focus only on T and what is best for her.  You see, when you do that there really isn’t much left to argue about.

If you both truly have your child’s best interests at heart then you will be on the same page 90% of the time.

As for the other 10%?  Well, she will never know about it.  We go head to head about once a year.  It’s unavoidable and you cannot possibly expect to never disagree, after all you split up for a reason!  But there is NO excuse in the world for why your child needs to know about it.  You don’t live together, you don’t share a bed.  You aren’t sitting across from each other at the dinner table and therefore you can darn well find the time to sort your shit out away from your kid/s.  T has not seen her dad and I fight one time in six years.  The few times that we have had it out have been in private and it’s been resolved immediately and we’ve moved on.

I know that it means everything to her to see us laugh and joke when we are all together.  We give each other a big hug on birthdays and holidays, and she always climbs into the middle of it and relishes the moment.  I know it’s likely not easy for my husband to see, but I’ve always been very open with him about how I feel about the situation.  It’s HEALTHY for T to see love between her parents, even if we are no longer together.  She is a testament to the fact that we once cared very much about each other, it can only do her heart good to see that we still do.  He is my friend, and I am his, and I think it’s awesome.  We are creating our own little family unit, and if someday he marries and/or has more kids it will expand some more.

My parents split up when I was very young, six I think.  I remember seeing a lot of what they went through, I remember the hurt feelings and some of the anger.  I remember the pick ups and drop offs and they didn’t always go smoothly.  My parents are wonderful, and I have the BEST family, I just didn’t want T to have ANY of those memories and I’m so proud that so far she doesn’t!

As for the inevitable, I know that someday my daughter will possibly have a stepmom, or at the very least the consistent presence of another woman in her life.  It’s so hard to think about that!!  But my ex has been so gracious about my husband and accepting of him.  I will find it within myself to do the same and a while ago I came to realize that I ask only two things of the woman that may one day play an important role in T’s life:

1-      Be good to my little girl, always
2-      Don’t ever try to take my place

All I want is T’s happiness, and whatever shape or form that takes is alright with me.  And in saying that, I vow that I will always keep my shit together… for her sake.  I hope that other parents in my situation can do the same, for the love of the kids.

B

An open letter to my daughter…

Dear T,

I know we’ve talked about this before, but I’ve always wanted to write down my thoughts for you.  There’s so much that I want for you in this life, and I want to share with you my hopes and dreams for all your years that lie ahead.  There is so much that I wish I’d known when I was your age… there are always so many things that adults wish they’d done differently, and I am no exception.  While I know that you will make your own choices, your own mistakes, and learn your own lessons, as your mom I’m still reserving the right to shove a few of my opinions down your throat in hopes that you will remember SOME of them over the years.

DREAM

Make a list of your dreams, and do everything that you can to cross of every single one.  You are capable of achieving ANYTHING that you want to do.  You can live anywhere in the world, and experience anything you want to!  Never lose sight of what you want in your life.  When you are old and gray you will have these memories to make you smile and share with your grandkids… they are precious stories and fulfilling your dreams will give you an immense sense of achievement and satisfaction.

LIVE YOUR LIFE, NO ONE ELSE’S

There is a lot about our world that can make you feel that you need to be a certain person and live a certain kind of way, but that’s not the case!  I grew up never questioning that I would get married, have kids and live in the suburbs within 20 minutes of my family.  I never once stopped to think about what I wanted, or if it was the same as what everyone else wanted FOR me.  If you want to get married and have kids that’s wonderful!  If you want to live down the street from me and come every Sunday for dinner that’s great too!  But take some time to decide what it is that YOU want out of your life.

DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO

Once you know how you want to live your life, you will need to work hard to get yourself there.  I think a lot of adults would agree with me saying that if I’d known then what I know now, I’d be a lot better off.  Working hard when you’re younger ensures that you won’t have to work as hard when you’re older, and how nice would that be?  I hope you will work HARD in school.  Make an honest effort.  You are so bright, and so capable.  Get good grades, go to class, study hard, and you will quickly see the payoff.

Remember, all those nice things that you want will cost money, and you need to be self sufficient.  Don’t count on other people to take care of you.  Maybe you will marry a prince charming and be wealthy and never have to lift a finger, but more likely than not you will have to work for most (or at least some) of your adult life, and you will need to learn how to take care of YOURSELF.  Be smart with money, pay your bills, don’t spend what you don’t have and always save for that emergency that could be just around the corner.

MAKE A PLAN

When I had you, I was 26 years old and not married to your dad.  We welcomed you with all the love and excitement in the world, but it wasn’t an easy road.  We didn’t have a lot, and it was a struggle.  In the end we realized that we were much better friends, and I think we’re doing a wonderful job raising you “together apart”, but it can be tough!

I hope almost more than anything that you will take your time in life.  Accomplish the things that you want for yourself, and when YOU are ready and fulfilled as an individual THEN welcome someone else in and embark on all those new journeys together.  I hope that if you decide to marry and have children that you will make sure you are established first, and truly happy and committed to your partner or husband.  I will support you and love you ALWAYS, but I want you to know how much easier your life will be if you achieve all your goals BEFORE you have children.  Finish school, find a great job, save some money, travel, spend time with your friends, sleep in on weekends, learn to cook, explore new hobbies, buy a home, fall in love with someone who is also your best friend, love what you do for a living and once all those pieces are in place adding children to the mix will only enrich your life in every way possible!

LOVE YOURSELF

You are perfect.  I bet you didn’t know that!  Lol.. but you are.  You are beautiful, and SMART… you are so incredibly smart.  You are kind, and loving, and funny.  You are imaginative and compassionate and moral.  I have spent my entire life finding flaws in myself and I don’t want you doing the same!  This is also a “learn from my mistakes” lesson.  When you look in the mirror, never ever look for perfection (even though as your mom that’s what I see!).  Look for the very BEST version of YOU.  Don’t look to magazines of movies as an example of what is beautiful.

I should set a better example for you when it comes to this.  I can’t imagine how many times you’ve heard me comment about needing to lose weight, or how many times you’ve seen me wave away someone’s compliment, “Oh please.. no.. I look awful!”.  Your first impressions of body image and confidence come from me, and I think I’ve failed you in a sense.  Women are so inclined to put themselves down, but don’t get sucked into that.  You are a confident and outgoing girl, don’t ever lose that!

As I write this, I’m watching your five month old sister roll around on the floor with her toys, and I wonder what kind of women you will both grow to be.  I hope that you will always love and support each other.  Even though you are 8 years apart you will likely become very close as the years pass, and one day I hope that you and your children (if you have them!  Remember it’s okay if you don’t!) will get together for barbeques and birthday parties.  (Please don’t leave your little brother out.. he’s a boy, so you will have to be the one to call him and make the plans.. if he gets married, become friends with his wife.. she will be the one you’ll be in touch with 90% of the time!)

REMEMBER WHAT’S IMPORTANT

At the end of the day, the people in your life are what make it.  Surround yourself with love, choose to be around people who care about you just the way you are, and if you get married I hope you will choose someone who is loyal and completely dedicated to you, a man of his word who does what he says he will, and who is honest and makes no secret of his adoration for you!

Finally, please remember this: One day you will both be old and gray.  It won’t matter what he looked like, or how he cut his hair.  It won’t matter if he drove the coolest car or had an important title at work.  It won’t matter if he wore the best clothes or was the most popular boy in school.  All of that will be long gone… but if he makes you laugh, and makes you happy, and if the thought of holding his hand for 50 years to come feels right, then he’s likely the one.

I can’t wait to see the woman you become.  I see you changing every day and coming into your own.  Your tastes and preferences make me smile as they become more distinguished and specific.  I love that you are carving your own little path through the world, and I will be right here beside you the whole way.  I am so proud of you, and I know that this world is a better place for having you in it!

Love Mom xo

Thank you

Wow.  That’s all, just wow.  My mind is blown, and I’m not sure I could ever adequately thank everyone enough for the tremendous love and support you have shown over the last 24 hours since I wrote the blog below.

Hitting post wasn’t easy.  You can’t take these things back once they’re out there, I know that.  I guess I just weighed any worries I had against the prospect of possibly helping even one person.  That’s all it took.  I am SO thrilled to share that I have heard from people literally all around the world, and I’ve been brought to tears more than once, reading their stories.  I have posted it everywhere I can think of – LOL – facebook, twitter, you name it.  I’m not stopping to think about who might see it, or what they might think of me.  It just doesn’t matter.  I think about after I had my son (who is now 2) and how alone I felt. I wish I’d had the courage then to address what was happening and deal with it.  I just didn’t know, or maybe I didn’t want to know?  I think I would have spared myself, and likely my husband, a lot of pain and stress had I done so.

Everyone’s story is different… whether you work full time and have kids, or you’re a single mom (which I have also been), or maybe you’re at home and are still fighting to keep your head above water.  We all struggle in our own way and for me personally I think that I had a lot of guilt about how I was feeling.  How could I feel so lost and overwhelmed when I don’t even WORK?  Which of course, we all know is BS.. I work and I work damn hard!  But not having a conventional job outside the house seems to translate into an easy existence in most peoples’ opinions.

I am very lucky, I know that.  I always wanted to stay home with my kids.  I worked until my oldest daughter was 5 and when I married my husband I became pregnant immediately and was able to be home from that time on.  I’m grateful every day for him and how hard he works so that our kids can have me home with them.  I know they love having me here and during the dark moments I remind myself of that, and of how much I adore them.  They are my happy place.

Please feel free to share this blog with anyone you like.  I’m pouring my heart out in hopes that it reaches someone who needs to see it.  I welcome your comments; I look forward to hearing your stories and to sharing more of this journey as I go.

Much love & many thanks,
B

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step..

Ahhhh the “postpartum post”.

I wasn’t going to write it so soon, but the mood has struck and I actually feel like blogging even more than I feel like watching Bachelor Pad right now!  (That’s a LOT!)

I have three kids, and to be honest I think I was suffering after the birth of my second, but I didn’t realize it and I was trying so hard to hold it together that I never stopped to look in the mirror.  (In more ways than one, I’m sure.. I was a hot mess.)  To be honest, I think that deep down I knew something wasn’t right.  I would be taken over by feelings of such DESPAIR, it’s almost indescribable.  I have thankfully never thought of harming my beautiful children – I know that some women experience this and it must be terrifying – but if I am being brutally honest I cannot say the same for myself.  I have had dark moments where I was absolutely certain that my sweet babies’ lives would be better if I wasn’t in them.

I was diagnosed with PPD about 6 weeks ago, and the day that it all came to a head was the absolute lowest point of my life.  The house was a mess, the kids were miserable, my patience was GONE and I somehow found myself sitting on the floor with the baby, crying for my husband and telling him that I knew something was very, very wrong.  Bless his heart, he took the next day off work so I could see my doctor and that is the day I like to consider the beginning of a very positive phase of my life.

Finally admitting not only to someone else, but to MYSELF, that I needed help truly was liberating.  Having someone tell me that it was okay, that I am okay, was reassuring.

The best way that I can describe PPD (for me, I’m sure everyone’s experience is very different) is that it’s like I can SEE my happiness.. it’s just above me, floating there, but I can’t touch it, or taste it, or experience it.  It’s like I’m covered in a film or a layer that I can’t shake off, and it prevents me from tapping into all the joy and laughter that I’ve always known.

I didn’t want to share any of this with anyone.  I told my husband and my parents, and I planned to leave it at that.  It’s funny how my first instinct was to say, “Please don’t tell anyone.. I don’t want anyone to know!”  Why did I feel so ashamed?  I’ve never been a private person, I’m happy to share stories and details and I enjoy the closeness to my friends and family that it brings by doing so… but there is a stigma attached to PPD, to being depressed in general I think, and I was afraid to let people see this side of me.

I think that being a mother is a very wonderful and rewarding but strange position to be in.  As much as we lean on other moms for support, they can also be our biggest critics.  We marvel at the “super mom” and condemn the frazzled one.  We praise the ones who seem to just have it SO together, and we shake our heads and gossip about the ones whose kids are out of control or who live in their sweat pants.  I’m as guilty as anyone else, I admit.  But when my initial reaction to my diagnosis was to keep it a secret, I knew that I would be perpetuating this IMAGE that we all seem to want to put forth.  On Facebook, Twitter, to our friends and family… how many people do you see on Facebook who seem to have the PERFECT life?  Perfect marriage!  Perfect children!  Perfect home!  I realized that I was projecting the same image and I wanted to be more real than that.

I LOVE MY FAMILY.  I love my husband.  He is my best friend.  He makes me laugh and when I think of my golden years, I see us sitting on a porch watching a sunset, and that makes me happy.  I love my kids.  Ask anyone, they are some of the sweetest, kindest, funniest, loving children around and I am so lucky to have them.  I love my life.  I am blessed.  I am loved.  I have a home, and people who care about me.  I have laughter and support and I know that I will never be alone.  But no one’s life is perfect.  My husband and I fight; I lose my temper and yell when I shouldn’t.  I don’t clean the bathtub as often as I should, and I am really good about doing the laundry, I just don’t usually get around to FOLDING it.

More than anything, I want someone else to find comfort in this blog.  I want someone else to know that how they’re feeling is OKAY and that they will be alright.  It is okay to be imperfect.  It is okay to be scared, or overwhelmed.  Being a mother is HARD, and being a stay at home mom is so much more difficult that many people realize.  I have to make a concerted effort to stay connected, not only with friends and interests but with myself.  My entire identity is wrapped up in being a wife and mother, and sometimes it really does just need to be about ME.

I guess that’s what brought me here!  This is my escape – a place where I can be the truest version of myself and I look forward to not only sharing my journey, but learning about others’ as well.

: )
B

Resentment – Marriage Killer!!

Yes I can be very dramatic.  BUT.. it’s true. A few years ago one of my cousins decided to hire a full time, live in nanny.  At first I was all judgy and “oh well aren’t YOU fancy” about it. Then my other cousin, her sister, hired one as well.

I wondered what the world was coming to.. live in nannies?!  Who are we, the Trumps?

Then one day, cousin #2 (who also happens to be my very best friend and was the Matron of Honour at my wedding) explained something to me.  You see, in any good (read: normal) marriage, there is a healthy dose of resentment.  He leaves his socks on the floor.  She leaves dishes in the sink.  The laundry doesn’t get switched over.  The dinner isn’t made on time.  As spouses I find my husband and I are constantly BITCHING at each other.

“I just did all the grocery shopping AND did three loads of laundry.. YOU take her to soccer!”

How healthy can that be??!

So cousin #2 patiently explained to me how having this nanny ELIMINATED ALL THE RESENTMENT.  How awesome is THAT?!?  I never thought of it that way before.  The socks are picked up, the laundry is done, the dishes are washed, dinner is made. Sounds pretty sweet to me.

Now of course not many people can afford the live in nanny.. and why would I have one when I am a stay at home mom?  lol.. But I learned a lot from that conversation.  Resentment is a killer.. a marriage killer.  A relationship killer.  It builds and spreads like a nasty fungus and if you’re not careful, you’re going to be in trouble.

I’m making a concerted effort to not hold onto those things anymore.  The socks, the dishes, the laundry.  It all gets done in the end and just about the worst thing you can do is start keeping score.  Marriage is a partnership, you’re in it together, and yet so often don’t you find that you’re pitted against one another?  That’s not going to do anyone any good, and in the end if your marriage fails don’t both of you end up with a big fat ZERO on that score card?

Peace & love, people. Go kiss your better half!

B